Moving Through Grief

Our community in this past year has suffered more than its share of loss. Too many are still struggling to make sense of those losses and move on with life. I am never more than a thought away from feeling their pain and wanting to find something to help them process their grief. Then my niece posted an article on Facebook this morning about how God DOES give us more than we can bear and I had to think about that for a minute. How many times when you have been going through a major heartache in your life has someone told you "God will never give you more than you can bear". And you first instinct was to at least think how little they knew, or that the God they knew was different than the one who just took the world out from under your feet.

This life was never promised to be anything more than Paradise Lost. No one ever said it would be easy or that we would not suffer or endure pain and heartbreak. For many, the only true hell is the existence being lived in the here and now, not some afterlife punishment for all our mistakes.
How could anyone look into the eyes of a mother who lost their child and tell her the burden of pain, guilt, uncertainty and loss that her suffering isn't more than she can bear. When they watch her moving through each day like she is a ghost herself how can someone actually tell her at that moment "it's all part of God's plan!"

There is no easy way through the pain. It is a second by second, day by day process to cut through the layer upon layer of pain to reach some level of relief, maybe a morsel of understanding. Some may never get there if they allow their loss to consume them.

We fight so hard against these soul killing events in our life. That makes the burden heavier and intensifies the pain. We fight with our gods/goddess or our angels to change it, to bring them back, we bargain for one more day, one more hour, one more breath. Then the reality sets in that we have nothing to bargain with, our pleadings are in vain and we unleash our anger on those same gods and angels and deny their existence and curse them as we would our own worst enemy. And we are still left trapped in our despair. It seems at that darkest moment there will never be joy, love or light again.

What can we do? First stop fighting the reality of what is. Accept that they are gone from this life, this existence. Their earthly vessel is gone. Their spirit never dies. Their consciousness never dies. The spirit of our loved ones will linger near longer than they should if we do not find a way to release the grief. When we bottle up our tears, try to keep them with us by tricking our mind into believing they are not gone...just in another room, or away somewhere on a trip, we trap their spirit here with us. Trapped in our pain and our grief right along with us. So you have to stop, remind yourself that the love you felt for them when they were alive would never have allowed anyone to cause them that kind of suffering....so why are you? They would not want you to dwell on the pain and have your life come to a halt. They would want you to accept life for what it is and move on in a way that celebrates every precious moment you had with them.

We have choices, free will in this life. When we suffer a loss that we think we cannot survive, we have a choice to give in, give up and let it take our soul. Become one of the real living dead, and I'm not referring to zombies here. We can choose to die and let the story of their life and our gifts die; or we can choose to carry on. It may be like carrying a boulder around at first, but everyday the stone gets smaller or your muscles get bigger, but soon...it is nothing more than a pebble.

Once you can begin to move into acceptance that it will be a while, maybe a long while that you are separated from them, you can begin to celebrate the time you had with them in this plane of existence. Begin to focus once again on things that gave you meaning and reconnect with the gifts that have gone dormant. As life begins to flow through your core once again, you will free their spirit to move on to be healed and move into a higher spiritual plane. They will be freed from the dull, heavy, torturous existence of this incarnation, and return to the light and source of all creation. Or you can hold on, one more day, one more hour, one more breath, and keep them from experiencing eternal love and Oneness.

Acceptance is the gateway to healing from loss. At first you can't see any possible way you will get there. It will not be easy, and it will take a conscious effort on your part. You will have to want to go on. You will have to find something to anchor yourself to that will give you the incentive to just get out of bed. Your family, your children...a purpose driven goal, creating a memorial. You may have to force yourself just to move, even to breathe in the beginning, but the more you drive yourself, the more you want to be free of the pain, of wanting their spirit to be released and free of your prison of pain and move into Acceptance, it will get easier. You will begin awakening each day not with that boulder crushing your chest, but with hope and anticipation of another day you will honor and create beautiful, joyful memories from your loss.
 
It is very important during this time to surround yourself with people who love and care for you and understand that it will take time for you to come to terms with your new life. Be careful of people who place their own needs and agendas ahead of yours and will take advantage of your vulnerabilities. Find a safe sacred container where you can talk about your loss and share what you are experiencing with others who have gone through, or are going through the same thing. Spend time with people who will help you remember how to laugh and feel joy again, who can help you awaken all your spiritual gifts, creative expressions and desire to feel alive and functioning again.
Seek out spiritual advisors, healers who can help you sort through all that you are going through. I emphasize the plural above. Not every healer, not every spiritual advisor will have the one exact answer you are searching for. But each one will bring a different perspective and bring healing on many different levels. The more spiritual and emotional support you can receive the sooner you will begin to heal. Your strength will return, your focus and purpose will return and you will become the safe place for someone else in pain, who will need you to help them find their way through the pain.

So is it god that sends us more than we can handle. I don't believe so. It is just one of the absolutes of life. We are meant to experience grief, sadness, pain and hopelessness. If we did not how would we ever find our strengths? How would we ever find our purpose? Grief is one of our best teachers about the meaning of life and who we are, what we know about our own potential, how far we can go. In the moment that may be the hardest realization to come to terms with. But as you begin the process of metamorphosis, breaking the shell of darkness that seemed more like a tomb than a place of renewal, you will change, transform into a beautiful butterfly.. Full of color, full of lightness, able to fly and taste all the sweet nectars of life. It is only by these experiences that eventually turn out to be soul cleansing instead of soul killing, do we get to fully experience the beauty and joy of life, and be grateful for the brief gift we were given with our loved one.